Frivilous Foes
by Enigmatix
Summary: Snape hated when he was summoned by Lily to check out her husband: James Potter, who happened to have becom somehw poisoned. Bt when he does so, the 2 of them end up duelling and then their encounter ends with both of them doubling over with laughter!


***Dedicated to Paula who I had promised one of these since God knows when. Hope you enjoy bestie!***

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Snape apparated just outside the gate of the Potter's residence and as he took in the usual familiar surroundings, he sighed. Dear God it had been months since he was standing at this same spot. The very last time he was here, Potter had demanded that he leave, waving a bottle of whiskey in front of him, and yelling out loud in slurred words that he'd call the FBI. Oh it had all went well and even though he and Lily had managed to reconcile after three years of dispute, he still had doubts as to whether she'd want to see him: especially since he was a goddamn Death Eater.

What a stupid mistake he had made, he thought to himself as he gathered his robe around him and strode forth. Becoming a Death Eater had just proven to himself and others such as Lily that he had always been the terribly lonely person he had been accused of being. Everyone believed he had wanted attention and a way to prove that he was something. And James had never ceased to lament on how stupid he was to join the 'death squad'. In fact, he had to remind himself that he was being an even stupider fool by coming here today.

And why was he here? He was here because Lily had summoned him in fear of her husband having drunk a most deadly potion.

He stood outside the large white oak door and hesitated on knocking. He should turn away. He made an attempt to force his feet to walk back down the staircase. But to his avail, he remained rooted on the spot. And so while he was debating upon whether to knock, he took a little time to admire the front door. It was then that he saw the small rectangle white sign:

_**Beware of the dogs. Don't call the FBI if they rip you to pieces, you tight balled intruder.**_

What sort of sick fuck would put this on their doorway? Of course James Potter never ceased to amaze him with his utter stupidity. But thinking nevertheless that there might be vicious dogs around, he rapped sharply on the door and waited.

When Lily opened the door, she found him sweating feverishly and looking around wildly.

'Dear God you look so frightened, Severus!' she cried and reached out to check his temperature.

'Are there any dogs?' he asked trying to grab at his collar to slacken it, his eyes beady.

'Dogs? No we have no dogs. What would make you think of such a thing?' and she laughed.

'This', he demanded swinging the door shut again and pointing to the sign. But when his eyes rested on the sign once more it only read:

_**Welcome to our home. We do hope you enjoy your stay. Come again.**_

'What the...?'

'Oh I see you have met the changing sign', Lily said giggling. 'It changes every time someone steps in front of it. What did it say when you read it?'

He only mumbled.

'Where's he?' Snape demanded as Lily stepped back for him to come inside. 'Today I'm just in this...awful...murderous mood.'

'Don't start, Sev. Please', she pleaded with him. 'He's acting rather strange today.'

'What happened to him? Is he behaving as if he's got a brain at last?'

She only chose to ignore him and said, 'he came home today in a very odd mood, started to demand that I hand him a Tennis Roll. He wanted me to find a, and I quote, 'a goddamn tennis roll' for him. Then he began to ramble off about eating too much curry with masala and drinking too much mauby.'

And Lily began to climb the steps, with Snape following her. 'What the hell is a tennis roll? And what is mauby? I know that curry is an Indian dish but where did he get _that_ from?'

Snape refrained from answering such questions.

'Just show me him', he muttered.

They entered a room which he believed to be their bedroom and his eyes took in James Potter lying on the bed. His hands were splayed out above his head and his eyes were closed. Dear God this was going to be such a difficult task. Oh why had Lily called him? Why didn't she just dispose of his body? The sickly demented fuck had probably drunk himself into a stupor and ended up flirting with some Caribbean woman at some cheap bar. Snape went over to the bed and just looked down on him, an evil glint in his eyes.

'Are you going to check him?' Lily asked with her eyes wide and he had the sudden impulse of suggesting that they pick him up and throw him out of the window.

He went over to the bed and rested a finger on James' temple. The insolent work of art was alive still. Snape stooped near the bed, took his small black pouch that he always kept his necessary potions and instruments in and unzipped it. He took out a long sticklike instrument made of metal and then used it to prise open James' mouth. However when he was about to become successful in his attempt, James woke up with a start and he threw Snape off balance. The latter toppled backwards and unto the floor.

Lily watched as James surveyed the room, took in Snape and sprang up, his eyes wide and beady.

'James!' she cried in alarm. 'He's only here to help you!'

'What the fuck is he doing in my bedroom?' James demanded getting up and reaching for his wand. 'Have you come here to persuade Lily to get into your robe?'

Snape gathered himself and quickly got up, his wand at the ready. 'Potter put your wand away. And stop babbling like a senseless baboon.'

'You heard what he called...YOU HEARD WHAT HE CALLED ME?' James demanded as he turned to his wife. 'He called me a rambling cactus!'

'I did not call you...' and Snape rubbed his temples, 'look Potter, don't make me hurt you.'

But even before he could register it, James had shot a spell at him. Whatever the spell was, he had never heard of such a thing for he was sure he heard James cry 'Cassava'. To his knowledge, cassava was a ground provision that Caribbean people were most familiar with. However the spell slammed him back into the wall and he heard Lily scream.

'James stop it!' she cried on the verge of tears but James, only demanding that he wanted the best for her, sent the same spell her way. She flew out of the bedroom door and it locked with a click.

'I'll silence him once and for all, honey!' he called, his eyes wide like a blasted lunatic and Snape got up quickly.

'Petrificus Totalus!' Snape yelled but James danced out of the way, his eyes on Snape. 'Stupefy!'

The damned asshole did a samba move and skirted out of the way sleekly, again.

'Potter what the devil is wrong with you?'

'Nothing. I am perfectly fine. It's you who something is wrong with!' And spittle flew from his lips when he spoke for he was now losing control of his tongue.

Snape smiled at his clownish antics and realised that he had indeed had something terrible to drink. Whether it was just a bottle of terrible wine or a potion, it was hard to tell. If Potter would only comply to him checking him, he'd be better off but the loon wasn't giving up. He raised his wand and shot another spell towards Snape who blocked it with the swift wave of his wand. Again and again James shot spells at Snape who blocked all of them easily for it was quite easy to predict the exact timing of his spells.

'James stop it! Don't make me laugh', Snape muttered as he yet again blocked another spell. 'What the devil did you drink?'

'A Tex on Ta Teach', he said and swayed dangerously around the room. Snape wanted to laugh.

'Did you mean a _Sex on The Beach_?'

'No I don't want to have sex on the beach, Snivellus', James demanded, 'I-I just wanted something to think.'

'_Drink_, you mean. You wanted something to drink.'

'Don't make fun of me!'

'I am not making fun of you', although he wanted every opportunity to humiliate James. 'I am trying to help you.'

And having had enough of it all, Snape took out the antidote from his bag, a small vile of it. And he stalked forward. Grabbing James by the scruff of his shirt, he forced his head back and tilted the vile down his mouth. James gaggled as the liquid went down his throat and Snape released him.

'What the hell did you do that for!' James bellowed at the top of his voice. 'Lily he's trying to kill-he just made me drink-where is Lily? You fool you disappeared her!'

'There is no such word as 'disappeared' James and you locked Lily outside the room. I am not trying to kill you, I –'

And James shot a spell at him but this time it wasn't blocked and Snape was the target of a full hit of cold iced water. He wiped his face and glared at the man standing in front of him.

'I'll kill you Potter!' Snape demanded because no one, and I mean no one, interfered with his amazingly gorgeous hair.

However, as he was about to raise his wand, he saw the expression on James' face change from a look of utter stupidity to complete normalcy. He surveyed Snape and then wiped his face, trying to figure out what had happened to him.

'Dear God, thanks', James said softly. 'Thanks so much for that.'

'Who are you and what have you done with James Potter?' Snape asked flabbergasted that he had actually been thanked.

'No I mean it, whatever I drank made me loopy.'

'I don't think it was the drink. You have always been...loopy.'

'Don't start with me Snape.'

'Tell me, what cheap bar did you go into this time? What Caribbean woman graced your personal space? You are just so extremely dim-witted.'

'I told you don't start with me, Snivellus', James demanded and he pointed his wand at Snape.

'Go on and hex me like you always are on impulse to do, Potter. Let's see how –'

'Sexus Locomotus Petrificus Totalus!' James shouted.

Snape watched as a small spark was emitted from James' wand and then they both looked at each other speechless.

'What the fuck was _that_?' Snape asked after a while, his lips twitching into a smile. 'Is that even a spell?'

'I...' and James narrowed his eyes, his forehead creased as he began to rack his brains for the meaning of the spell, 'I don't know but I read it in Witches Weekly. It's supposed to –'

'_You _read Witches Weekly? I believe the world has ended and has been remade!'

'Yes I read Witches Weekly! What the devil is wrong with that? I –'

And Snape snorted.

'What?'

'Nothing...might I ask what that spell is supposed to do?'

'It's supposed to turn you into a dildo', James said sheepishly.

Snape threw one puzzled look at him and then burst out laughing, clutching his sides and bending over.

'Don't laugh!' James demanded as he eventually began to laugh as well. 'I'm sure it's a spell!'

'Oh sure', Snape whispered, out of breath and he doubled over again with laughter. 'And so is cat's litter.'

'Hey come on! I mean –' And James tried to repress a hoot of laughter, 'I mean it sounded like a goddamn...like a goddamn spell!'

Lily who had regained her consciousness took out her wand and waved it. When the door opened, she stalked into the room, only to greet the most extraordinary sight ever!

Her husband and her best friend, who happened to be James' worst enemy was bending over clutching their sides. And both of them were laughing uncontrollably! She had to be dreaming!

**PLEASE REVIEW! LOL TELL ME IF YOU LIKED IT!**


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